stressed

i'm in a really bad shape right now that even when little things like accidentally kicking the chair drives me to tears. even as i'm typing this, my fingers are shaking and i am in the brink of crying again.

did you know that stress induces gastric pain? oh yes, they do. and i learned it the hard way.

gosh, i hate being like this. i can't really explain WHY i am being the way i am right now. and this is bad for my work too. i have been pushing my work forward for the past 2 weeks. the truth is, i have so many ideas in my mind for my designs, but the moment i try to put it on designs and codes, everything just went *poof*!

and today, i created like 8 designs and i end up deleting each and every one of it because i hated the end result!

if i were to go with what my heart tells me, i'd book a flight back home to my parents right now. i just wanna go away to a peaceful place where i know people would love and take care of me.

if only i didn't have all these projects going on.. i would've been on the plane already.. :(

:-(

I wanna cry. God, I wanna cry. I've been so emotional since a few days ago. While other people would be jumping in joy to go back to their families on Christmas.. I am having mixed feelings about it. Oh don't get me wrong. I am HAPPY to meet my parents. I am HAPPY that I could finally meet them after almost 2 years of not being back home. But the only thing that's taking me back is the thought of leaving what I have back here in KL.

My bedroom. My close friend. My shopping trip. My new life.

It's not easy adapting to new places, new bedroom, new life.. you know. And I have this tendency of getting too attached to something, like the bedroom for instance. Once I've grown attached to it, it's really hard for me to let go. You must be thinking that I'm crazy for having this kind of thought, yes? But that's the truth.

And since nobody reads this blog (ok, maybe just a few readers) I'm comfortable to say what I really feel inside: I am lonely. Going back home means I have my parents and my siblings.. and my church friends around me. But I do not have REAL friends to celebrate Christmas with. In fact, I do not have any close friend that I could go out with on Christmas day, let's not even mention New Year.. As a child, we move around quite a lot of times. Moving from one school to another. And I am not the kind of person who makes friends easily, because I am very picky when it comes to making friends. Besides... it's not that easy to find someone who can really understand you, go along with your temper and your unpredictable mood swings. I know. I admit that. I have a terrible temper sometimes. Even my parents knew about it.

Shit. I need to stop typing. The more I talk, the more emo I get. Maybe I should just get married and have someone to come home to.

BUT

Am I even ready to start a new family? Am I ready to share my life with a man? Can I decorate our house according to my taste and have as many plants and pets as I want? (I know, I could be very greedy sometimes..) Can my "husband" accept the fact that I do not cook as often as other wives would? Can he accept that I do not want to do all the house chores alone? God.. I can't even bear the thought of washing all the clothes everyday!

*sob*

Okayyy.. I think I'm going crazy already. I should just watch some tv serie and wait till it's time to go to the airport. I might even delete this entry later. I don't know. And since this blog was setup for my future children and grand children to read, I'd like to tell them something.

"I am a very confused person. Please do not grow up to be one like me. And oh, I was the Bintang Kaamatan in Kunak once. Your mother/grandmother can sing!"

xD